So I started this blog many years ago. I started it on my own but knew God had his hand in it. I stopped blogging after a few times just because well I didn’t feel adequate. Why would what I have to say matter to anyone else?? Well that was just the enemy trying to keep me from doing the will of God. Today I took a very big step. I shared my story with our Church FB Page. I publicly admitted struggling with depression. That was hard!! I knew God had laid on my heart many months ago to share my story and continue this blog. I was not ready or at least that is what I told myself. It was just my pride and fear. I don’t ever want anyone to pity me. I have an amazing life and I have definitely been blessed more than I deserve. I just know how it feels to struggle with a chronic illness and I don’t ever want anyone to feel alone. We are never truly alone because God is always right beside me. If it wasn’t for that peace and comfort I definitely know I would no have made it this far. I sat down to write this and I don’t even know what happened but it seems as though the Holy Spirit just took over. I wanted to share hear my FB post in hopes that it will be an encouragement to someone.
So during my quite time this morning God laid a lot of things on my heart. He has been telling me to be more open and talk about my struggles and allow Him to use them for His good. I have been very disobedient in this avenue. I like to keep things to myself. I’m not sure if it’s pride or just fear but it paralyzes me. Pastor IV’s message yesterday really hit home with me. I struggle with depression because sometimes living with a chronic illness is just a lot!! He has put several people in my lives that love me unconditionally and some that actually get it. Yesterday I was very emotional. I couldn’t contain the hurt, the why, and just was overcome with emotions. These were the verses I got this morning. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2Cor. 10:5
After reading these scriptures I am reading a book called Unglued Lysa Terkeurst makes a statement “I have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts right now. I can wallow in what’s wrong and make things worse, or I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don’t feel good.” I can face things that are out of control and not act out of control. I then read the story of Joshua and God tearing down the walls of Jericho. He knew it was impossible but there was one question Joshua need to ask Whose side am I on? If we determine that, no matter what, we’re on God’s side, it settles the trust issue in our hearts. And if we ground ourselves in the reality that we trust God, we can face circumstances that are out of our control without acting out of control. We can’t always fix our circumstances, but we can fix our minds on God. (Lysa Terkeurst) This really spoke to me and I felt like someone needed it too.
So it has been almost a year since I started this blog. I started this orginally on my own and thought it would be a great way to share my thoughts about my journey with Crohn’s. However God seems to have a different plan. Over the last few weeks I have participated in a wonderful study Saying Yes to God!! (I highly recommend it) Through this study which was online we had a FB Group, FB Parties, and Blogs. God laid it on my heart to Blog. I have really struggled with this because I am definately am not an eloquent writer. But here I am #SayingYesToGod!!! I am going to try really hard to use this blog as an encouragement to others!! I am praying God is going to give me the words so here it goes!!
Today is my Birthday!!! I share my birthday with my Sister who is 19 years older than me. I am the “baby”!! This is our second birthday since my Daddy’s passing and I can truly say God has brought us through the grief. Don’t get me wrong I still miss him, but it’s the happy memories I choose to remember rather than focus on the things I should have said and done. God prepared me for my father’s passing. But as you know in our own strength we sometimes buck the system. I am so very blessed to have the last memory of my Daddy. He was in the Rehabilitation Center and I had know idea it would be the last time I would see him. I sat on his bedside as I did when I was a little girl and he held my hand and loved me. He was the Daddy that I had wished he had been my whole life. It was the day before New Year’s Eve and we talked about how we were going to celebrate with Turnip Greens (for money), Blacked Eyed Peas (for luck). He was so excited!! I kissed him on his head and I said good night…he kissed me and said I Love You! I got a call around 2:30am that he had passed. I was so sad, angry, every emotion. As time has gone on God has shown me how he had his hand on it all. He gave me the most wonderful last memory that some people would love to have and I got it!! My Daddy was a good man, a wonderful worldly provider, but he lacked the ability to show LOVE. He showed me in his own way, but that wasn’t always what I needed. I know he loved me I just wish I had heard it more from him. I wanted him to proud of me. I pray that he is …but to hear the words. I know I am truly blessed for the time I had with him here on earth and now he is in Heaven watching over me. I love you Daddy and I will always be your little girl 🙂
So I couldn’t sleep this morning and I thought I would get up and write. Yesterday was a roller coaster in so many good ways! I have been following several people and reading there blogs. The month of November there were some amazing posts! I was very inspirational! Up until this point I have felt a lot of shame from my disease. Not to say I don’t still…. I am working on that. I have decided to be positive and do something instead of just letting Crohn’s run my life.
My first blessing yesterday was my Dad passed away and my inheritance is not going to effect my Disability. This was a big weight lifted for me and my mom.
The second thing was I decided to start a Team for Team Steps. I worked on it yesterday and posted my things on FB for all my friends. Of course one of my best friends was the first to sign up! I felt so loved in that very moment. We had not talked about it but I knew today was the beginning of Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Week. My neices husband also has Crohn’s.
The third thing was my Dad on some commercial property that my mom is unable to take care of so she decided to sell. Yesterday it sold!!! She was in tears.
The fourth thing is after many years December 4th will be the start of a new Crohn’s Group! I can actually meet people who get it!
I feel so overjoyed with emotion. Depression is such a huge part of my life. It was really nice to have a good day mentally! Hopefully the physical will come.
I don’t think you have to wait for the New Year to set those goals/resolutions. We just have to do it. Only we can change us! It is hard because we struggle emotionally when we are struggling physically. Through these blogs I was able to find the positive! I just want to hang on to it!
I am so new to this but I wanted to share all these amazing blessings that God gave me and my family yesterday! Thanks for listening.
So I am fairly new to blogging. I started then I really didn’t know if I could do it. Over the past month I have been reading other peoples blogs. I have been alone more than usual and as I am sure you all know that gets you in your head. On top of my Crohn’s I also have RA. It decided to rear it’s ugly head! My knee was swollen a little…then I woke up and couldn’t walk. I can usually take the pain but it became to much! I of course called my Rheumatologist and he said go to the ER!!! Something I truly wanted to avoid however I went and got pain meds and steroids!! It is doing better now!! My body seems to always choose holidays to act up. Not sure why this is but I am pretty sure it has some type of radar. LOL Anyway none the less Thanksgiving was good! This was my first Thanksgiving since my Dad passed last December. I know I am somewhat rambling or so it feels that way. I guess I realized just how thankful I am! Yes I have Crohn’s. Yes it sucks! Life could be worse and I have had alot of time to reflect and think about it. It isn’t always as bad as some days, so on those days I take full advantage. In some ways if the Crohn’s is under control the RA isn’t so bad. I guess I just know so many people that have it so much worse even though this is bad.
Okay, today has been a pretty good day. I haven’t spent the day totally in the bathroom, which to me is awesome. These storms moving in are effecting my RA and I think I am getting a migraine. The brighter side is I feel so blessed to be alive! The 16th of September will mark my 40th Birthday! I have been ask many times lately if I was upset about turning 40…my response is there was a time in my life I didn’t think I would make it 30 so NO I am not upset. I feel blessed for everyday I have on this earth. I sometimes wish people could see the world through my eyes and slow down and enjoy the small things in life. My daughter is a Senior in High School this year. I try to tell her to not want to grow up so fast.
The only thing I am sad about turning 40 is this will be my first Birthday without my Daddy. Not that he was the most amazing Father, but he was my Dad. I see people take there parents for granted or not visit…don’t do that. (I’ve done it to) God blessed me with the best last day with my Daddy I could have ask for. It was like I was his little girl sitting on the edge of his bed talking and he was holding my hand. That was awesome! As much as I do miss him I am so glad he is in Heaven watching down on me.
I am new at this blog thing so be patient.
Well today is a big step for me. I am not one to talk about my Crohn’s or everything that goes along with it. I decided to try a new approach so that I could purge my emotions and hopefully help someone else not feel so alone.
I was diagnosed in October of 2000. Before age 25 I had 2 small bowel resegs and a complete hysterectomy. (joy) Life is good right now. As I am sure you know it is minute to minute. The earlier you learn to embrace that statement the better off you are. It has taken me awhile…I am not sure I would even know who I was without being sick.
You see I was Bulimic/anorexic from 1991 til… Well my last treatment was in 1999. By the Grace of God I am good with that illness.